But baby it’s hot outside: conversations with my sweat glands

Me: My dearest sweat glands, I’d like to report a malfunction.  Erosion is destroying the covering over my flesh and bones – my skin.

Sweat glands:  But baby it’s hot outside.

Me: I know! My epidermis is slowly being traced by rivulets that snake together and form torrents scouring out channels across my 45 SPF protected – yet still fairly tanned – body.

Sweat glands:  But baby it’s hot outside.

Me: I don’t care that the mercury has reached a hellfire-induced 50 degrees C, is it too much to ask to not be constantly swimming in a soup of perspiration?

Sweat glands: But baby it’s hot outside.

Me: Ok… so if my sweat is supposed to cool me, why do I still feel like a baked potato smoldering at the edge of a campfire?

Sweat glands:  But baby it’s hot outside.

Me: Oh, please try and be somewhat more helpful than a Cameroonian bureaucrat hoarding all the train couchette tickets!! What about the myriad of angry red dots erupting in random patterns from my elbows to my armpits? Are they really necessary?

Sweat glands:  But baby it’s hot outside.

Me: How many times do I need to shower off your profuse production of perspiration in one day?  If I change my shirt three times a day, should I still feel like a lump of marinated, salted and sun-baked cod?

Sweat glands:  But baby it’s hot outside.

Me: Fine, I can see that this is going nowhere fast.  But let me try a couple more questions.  Can you look into why my neck, chest and sides become nighttime geysers that souse the sheets and pillows?  You’ve turned me into a chronic bed-wetter!

Sweat glands:  But baby it’s hot outside.

Me: Argh!  Fine, last question.  When will it end?

Sweat glands:  Oh baby, when it’s NOT hot outside.

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~ by Greg Spira on April 15, 2010.

5 Responses to “But baby it’s hot outside: conversations with my sweat glands”

  1. Fabulous entry. Love your blog.

  2. With your sense of “humors” you and your glands will go far together.

  3. You’re blog has made my day, that’s real ‘ cool ‘ that you still have your humour.Keep it up !

  4. Oh baby, this is life in the geographic Armpit of Africa!

  5. Just think Greg, by the time your sweat glands are done with you, you’ll be officially toxin-free. It’s an all-over cleanse. Do drink lots of coconut water (the clear liquid in the green coconuts). It will replace potassium and other electolytes that you’re losing.

    S.

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